Navigating dysfunctional families during the holidays with IFS
The holidays can be a difficult time of year. This is especially true for folks who come from dysfunctional families, in particular the charged energy that comes after an election with family members who hold oppressive or bigoted values.
How often do we find ourselves feeling like we're 8 years old again when we're with our family, noticing an anxious weight on our chest as we brace for criticism, minimization, or judgment?
How often do we feel like we're 12 years old again, trying to keep the peace by muffling our own needs and feelings?
Or, maybe we find ourself feeling like our 17-year-old self again, just wanting to run away from it all.
Understanding our protective parts
If we tend to have these parts of us come up when we're spending time with our family, we likely adapted traits that helped we survive our dysfunctional family growing up. In Internal Family Systems (IFS), these traits are known as sub-personalities, or parts, that belong to our own inner worlds. These parts of ourselves are often stuck in a certain point in time, not knowing that we’re not that age anymore. Yet, even if we logically know that we’re adults with agency now, our families tend to trigger us the most.
When we’re triggered, the protective parts of ourselves come forward to keep us safe, particularly to keep our most vulnerable parts that carry our shame from our traumas safe from outside danger. It makes sense that you feel like a child again when you’re around your family during the holidays. And when our family members don’t share your anti-oppressive values and even voted against your own rights, you may feel especially triggered as the holidays creep up.
If this resonates with you, read my suggestions on how to navigate the holiday season with dysfunctional families.
Consider working with a therapist trained in IFS
First, if you find that this framework makes sense to you, it’s worth looking into working with a therapist who is trained or informed in IFS. I myself specialize in chronic childhood trauma and utilize IFS to help folks access their own inner world. IFS is an experiential therapeutic modality and can allow you to do deeper trauma work.
Notice what parts of yourself tend to come forward when you are with your family
If you don’t yet have an IFS therapist, that’s okay! We often use IFS language in our daily lives anyway, (for example, you may have said something like, “There’s a part of myself that feels angry, but another part of me feels scared” before).
Think back on time you’ve spent with your family and the traits that come up for you. Do you tend to feel anxious? Impatient? Dissociated? Controlling? Do you tend to people-please? This can clue you in to your protective parts that you developed growing up in your family.
Take a moment to express gratitude towards your protective parts
We all have parts of us that we may not like very much. For example, I have a teenaged part of me that becomes enraged and even feels explosive! Even though I have parts of myself that seem to get in my way sometimes, I have so much gratitude towards them for playing important roles in my life, especially when I experienced chronic trauma growing up.
My enraged teenage part has stood up for me and fuels me into positive change and liberatory actions. Know that you have no bad parts. They, too, have played important roles in your own life.
Remember that you are an adult with autonomy
As mentioned, your child-like protective parts likely aren’t aware that you’re an adult now and that they don’t always have to do the same jobs anymore. This is a reminder that you have autonomy as an adult. Your people-pleasing part is allowed to set boundaries instead. Your controlling part is allowed to release what is out of your control instead. Your mediator part is allowed to exit a conflict instead. You likely have more options now than you did as a child; pause and consider what you have the agency to do now that you’re an adult.
Tap into what we refer to in IFS as Self energy: How do you feel when you are your most calm, curious, courageous, and confident self? Are you able to tap into this Self energy and lead all your parts when you are with your family?
Soothe your child-like parts
We often find that there is a need to reparent the child-like parts of ourselves that we’ve pushed away and neglected. How can your Self energy soothe your protective child-like parts after spending time with your dysfunctional family? Rest, movement, singing, warm and cold sensations, play, and connecting with safe and trusted loved ones are a few examples of ways we can soothe our parts.
If you’re finding that you’re especially triggered by your family post-election, plugging into mutual aid and organizing efforts with your chosen family and community can be invigorating and energizing.
Lastly, you're not alone.
If you’re worried about navigating the holidays this year, you’re not alone. Not only is the holiday season hard every year, but we’re also contending with so much grief and pain on a global scale, and many of us are dealing with family members who don’t share our liberatory values.
Give yourself permission to lead with Self energy. Know that you are not a child stuck in family dysfunction anymore, and that it’s okay to be rebellious and break family rules. This is how we break generational trauma cycles, and heal ourselves.
